Noise

Not too long ago, I was uncomfortable with being alone or with absolutely no noise. When I was single, I got a roommate. If she wasn't home, I'd find somewhere to go. Good thing was that I  spent a lot of time at the gym. If I had to study or clean, I had to have the TV or music up loud.

These days, 5 children later, I would give anything just to have 1 hour of silence! No nothing; just me and my thoughts.

They say, God speaks in whispers so most of the time we can't hear him. I never could turn down the noise long enough to hear Him. NOW I pray for silence so I can hear Him, or ANYTHING below 85 desibles.

Teenage Wasteland

My three boys were SO easy...UNTIL... they became teenagers. Now everyday is a problem to solve, a mountain to climb, or a series of exaggerated issues to manipulate down to to manageable levels. Some days are easier than others.  Some days, most days, I feel as though God couldn't have possibly thought that I could do this! I'm unorganized, impatient, controlling and I am totally incapable of expressing myself in 3 words or less (of which my 16 year old says he doesn't hear past). ALL of those qualities seem to DOOM me as a parent to teenagers!  I'm absolutely convinced most of the time that they surly won't graduate, they'll end up in jail, homeless, or just be incapable of living life as adults. And it's ALL MY FAULT! After all, I can't blame them; I'm the one who is RESPONSIBLE to raise them.

I am convinced that they have NEVER heard a word I've said. My rambling lectures and advice has been a waste of my time, and breath. Many times my solution, however has been to shut my mouth, through up my arms and give up. However, I care too much and that's just not my style. Not speaking, to me, is tourcher, if not impossible.

So I bother them, lecture them, yell at them and  continue to give them advice. ALL of this day after day is EXHAUSTING!

BUT...have failed to tell you I have another son who's 25. He's now married with a beautiful baby boy. He has recently enrolled in college (something we all thought would never happen), and he calls me TOO MANY times a day for advice on EVERYTHING. When I began to see him do MANY things as I had taught him to, I remarked that I never knew he heard anything I had said. His response was, "I heard it ALL. I would've never let you know that because then I'd have to admit I didnt know it all".

Back when HE was a teenager it all seemed hopeless. So now, the ONLY thing that gets me through his brothers and sisters is REMEMBERING what he said". It gives me hope that in the end, however it seems right now, things will all turn out fine no matter how much I lecture, talk, scream or mess up.

Stuck

It was late the other night and, as is frequently, my 5 year old daughter was still unable to calm down enough for sleep. So instead of keeping her older sister awake, I brought her in to lay with me. It was time for one of my only regular shows I watch, Grey's Anatomy. Not so appropriate for a 5 year old, but if I don't cease the moment to watch, the moment is gone-forever.

I thought she would be bored and nod right off, but some babies in the show seemed to catch her attention. These babies were conjoined twins, connected via their backs. So my daughter, Cassie says, "I hate it when I see babies hurt". So I explained that the doctors were gonna fix the babies because they were stuck together. She looked at me weird like she didn't get it, so I asked, "Think how it would be if you were stuck to your sisters back. It would be very hard to do stuff, right"? She giggled. I then told her that the doctors were going to separate them so they could live more productive lives.

Productive was probably not the most "child friendly" word, and so, of course, she asked, "What does productive mean"? Before I could answer, she says, "You mean UN-stuck"?  "Yes", I said, "UN-stuck", and we both giggled.

I smiled later when I thought about what she had said. It is so funny what intelligence children have. They don't think too hard about stuff. They don't over analyze things, or stop and think about them forever. They just say them; plain and simple. They are UN-stuck.

Living a "productive" life IS being UN-stuck. How long have I been STUCK to whatever is keeping me from doing the things I want to do. Funny thing is that I'm not really stuck--only in my brain. How wonderful it would be to have my child's brain.